A cool and cloudy day, such a welcome change for the month of August. I can hear the children’s playful voices dancing across the street from the daycare; both are reminiscent of autumns gone by. My mind finds its way back through a few lifetimes ago when I was that child with a playful voice and starting school. I think back to the time not so long ago when my own children were small, the air filled with excitement and nerves, along with the smell of new pencils and notebooks and shoes.
I am sitting on the floor of my now grown daughter’s living room, her son, my grandson, crawling around and over me (Grandma a.k.a. a human jungle gym, which I’m more than okay with) making his nine month old noises, “ah-da-ba-da-ba-da.” The three-year old yellow lab so gentle, kind and patient towards the noisy little human who keeps crawling into his space bubble, wanting to look out the same glass door that’s been the dogs and the dogs alone all these years. The six-year old tabby cat is having a love-hate relationship with all of us down on his floor, his domain; he’s happy but with an attitude, just like a cat.
I am surrounded by life.
I have no idea how I got here to this place in my life and yet I do know: every step taken backwards in fear and forward in faith; every tear that has fallen in joy, lightly, as well as heavy in sadness. I know every loud fight that found words from my sad and angry heart being thrown, like daggers, and can never take back, as well as my apologies spoken once the mirror of my life cleared. I know the laughter that came from the walls of my teenage girls’ room that was like heavens thunder. I recall the packing up of boxes of hope and moving out to find freedom – both theirs and mine. And the packing up of boxes of regret and coming home to find healing – both theirs and mine.
This floor I find myself on doesn’t call itself a business or a corporation. The lives that surround me do not give me performance reviews that involve my five and ten year goals or come with a raise. I don’t call this a job and it doesn’t offer health benefits. What it does offer (in abundance) is heart and life benefits; filling them both with things money never could buy, but believe me when I tell you I tried.
Saying I’m grateful seems cliché and trite and understated. So I may tell you that I have no clue how I got here but at the same time I know full well…..
It is grace that brought me thus far and it is grace that leads me still.