Due to recent events and conversations my mind and heart has been sifting through the legalism of my childhood and the whirlwind of junk that follows me still, which never brings with it any peace. I latch onto something and fear myself into a tizzy and…..I know I’m not the only one, but if I am you’ll just have to take my word for it…..IT SUCKS!
On top of all that I read something last night that had me doubting grace and wanting to crawl in a hole and never come out again. Unless of course I could have the guarantee that all the legalists had fallen off the planet. I went to bed with it on my mind. I woke up with it on my mind. These demons of performance and this god who is so utterly disappointed in me have been following me for many years. I did a damn good job of running from and denying its negative power, but He won’t let me anymore. He just won’t let me.
The morning is overcast. The furnace pumping its warm air into the house. Soft music filling the space with the beauty and peace that has eluded me today. The cat curled up next to me on my book bag – such a cozy spot, I would’ve never guessed. I’m reading a book when I turn the page to a chapter on legalism – oh. boy. Within a few paragraphs I see in my minds eye:
Swirling above me like an F5 tornado was all the legalism, self-righteous, rigidity of rules; all the rejection and abandonment I assumed was God; all the sins of nature and sins of choice; all the lies, cover-ups, and effort to put “lipstick on a pig”; all the masks worn, labels lived, categories placed in, and false identities (both received and given); all the words that wounded (both mine and others); all the expectations unmet and standards not measured up to (both mine and others). The roar of it is loud, the look of it dark, messy, and ominous. As quickly as this vision started, it stopped. And all of it came falling down around me with a splat – each of these things losing their power and influence in my life.
But One thing remained.