On March 7th it will be six years – SIX YEARS – I’ve been without some kind of employment. Oh sure there were those months of being my husband’s helper while we flipped houses. Hard physical labor. Long days spent together even if in separate parts of the house. Time. It was what was needed then. Him and I learning how to dance again after the foundational shake-up in our marriage. Money. We made some big dough during those months. No vacations to Paris for shopping or Alaska for hunting. All spent to keep a roof over our head and pay debt we incurred while living to impress and deny – the American Dream.
Today, two months shy of that date, I begin a new chapter as I start caring for my grandson. These last six years have felt like a time warp, so to speak. I’ve been lifted up and out of many different things and people and bondage, etc. I’ve been forced, sometimes quite unwillingly, to look myself in the mirror. The beauty of that, even on my worst days, was seeing Him. Even if His image was foggy at best, I knew I was not doing this facing alone. He was there with me. As He is today.
Once upon a time I was beyond miserable, dreading every moment of my job. I couldn’t get up with my alarm. I called in sick a lot. Because you can’t call in hungover. I never showed up on time and never stayed the full 8 hours. I had to make sure I purchased something new over the weekend so on Monday I could appear put together, which just happened to be 180 degrees from what I actually was – a hot mess. I got caught up in the web of lies that the world told me and I was striving for something all the time. I was out to prove myself. I wanted – no, I needed to - one up you. I ended up lost and weary from trying to force my square-self into a round hole.
There are many illusions out there about God. I still carry some of them with me, of that I do not doubt. I will tell you this today, my dear reader, I gave my life to Him in late 2007 and every breath, every second, every heartbeat, every tear since He has been busy giving Himself to me in a way that opened up a whole new ME to myself. I have found freedom and love and grace and peace.
Today I venture out to care for this little man who has shown me much about God – in His simplicity, beauty, humility, and unexpectedness. I am comfortable in my own skin, my leggings and no make-up in sight. I’m thrilled. Blessed. I look foward to whatever this new chapter has in store for me in the pages ahead.
~ Rebekah ♥