Losing Fear and Gaining Ground

Do you have fear that comes from bizarre inner guilt trips? Me too.

Yesterday I awakened and did not do my normal morning routine which includes reading my Bible, writing in my prayer journal and spending quiet time with God. As I meandered around doing piddly things the day started to gain momentum and the inner guilt trip began, as if He was feeling ignored, neglected and rejected. Like an infant left in a playpen while mommy watches her soap operas. I don’t think God is like an infant.

One of my morning piddles was updating my iPod with new music and taking off music I was getting tired of.  As I was sitting at the computer, iTunes opened, doing all the checking and unchecking, I would feel twinges of fear because I really am afraid that He is unhappy with me when I take off a ‘God song’ – an ol’ hymn brought to new life by Alan Jackson or a Casting Crowns song that really has been listened to too many times. As if God is only in the ‘Christian’ music and unchecking any of them is equal to my denying His existence. Where does this crap even come from????

All that fear that started my day certainly didn’t stop me from enjoying a really great Ray LaMontagne song in my ear buds on my back patio, early last evening, sitting in the perfect sunshine of Colorado, fully aware that God has given this life, the breathes I was taking; the beats my heart was beating and the warmth the sun was giving. Or my new fave song I found on The Help soundtrack by Mary J. Blige called The Living Proof – listening to that song dozens of times yesterday thanking God for His story in my life! All that with no ‘normal morning routine’!! Makes you think He can be with you anywhere, eh?

There is a phrase I believe I first came across in a Jesus Calling reading, but I am not certain: “I (Jesus)  am closer than the air you breathe.” Wow.  I’ve been meditiating on that as of late. Did you know you’re not alone? Even when no one is around you? Makes me feel comforted and a little freaked out all in the same breathe. He is closer than the air I breathe? Right now? As I write this blog post? Or earlier when I was eating breakfast? Or even earlier when I was sitting quietly and purposefully to center onto Him? So, not only am I never alone meaning He’s always with me, but since He is with me at all times He is capable of drawing to my frontal lobes or heart region the next right step, or the next right word? Or when I fail He can still redeem my bad choices and junky thoughts? And if all of this is true it also means this entire thing isn’t up to me, myself and I? Hmmm. That might be a game changer.

I can be kind of hard to handle. I’m energetic and at times hyper (even at 43!) I’m a giggler, I’m loud and I love to chat, talk, converse and communicate. Oh wait. Those are all the same. I am a passionate person and that can be tough on those introverts though I don’t mean it to be. There are times my personality takes up an entire room. My inner fear of the person that I am has been with me as long as I can remember. Basically afraid God made me wrong and I ran from the day He would make me right.  ‘Right’ as defined by me never appealed to me. Because ‘right’ would be 180 degrees from the me that I am. As I continue on this incredible journey I’m finding something quite wonderful – Yes, He has made me right, with Him, by Christ in me. But, I’m still me too. I’ve probably written about this before, but it’s nice to know He’s allowing me to stay myself. He didn’t, nor will He ever, come whisper to my heart the discouraging words from people in the past that I have mulled over and over and over and over and over and…….you get the idea.  I’ve had to learn His Voice over my life quieting all the others; past, present and future, so I am able to be confident in the woman God created me to be. No apologies, no stifling or hiding my true self, but accepting me and allowing the world around me to see the beloved of God, ruthlessly…..fearlessly.

Losing fear and gaining ground feels damn good! Thank You Jesus!

Do you have any fears, inner guilt trips, or revelations you’d like to share? I love hearing from my readers! Have a beatimous weekend!!

Ray Lamontagne – New York City’s Killing Me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b11Pp56FcuQ

Mary J. Blige – The Living Proof

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lA3ibjFuBA

Randomlings

Yo-Yo Ma in the background, a cool mornin, last day of May breeze coming through the open windows, a sleeping kitty close by and I find myself fully inspired to sit down and write.

I received a reply from my friends ex-husband regarding the book. He told me he was interested in reading it, but he wasn’t religious. Doesn’t even know what he believes anymore. I ask him for his address and log off the computer. Just a couple of hours when my thoughts start thinking and that’s when I begin to FREAK. OUT. Oh man, I don’t want to be a God-pusher!! I had gotten so caught up in the emotion of a whole bunch of stories that I forgot my promise to myself to never be one of “those Christians” – so I did what any good girl would do – I messaged him back (before he was able to reply with his address) and gave the short, very short, version of my issues in regards to, well, religion, God, Jesus and all those who give them a bad name. I told him he was, in no way, obligated simply because I offered and respected him for not even knowing what he believes anymore. *sigh* There, now I can go to bed with a clear head.  I awakened to a new day with a basket chock full of new mercies (Thank You Jesus!) and I read his reply – calling me a dork, explaining that he didn’t think I was being a ‘God-pusher’, but depending on how religious the theme would depend on how well he could relate. OH! THAT! Yeah! Me too! Whew!

I’m mailing out the book today.

On another ‘I-love-to-mail-out-books’ stories note: mailing a book to a prison has to come straight from the place of purchase, so my thrift store Jesus Calling book won’t be heading to my friends brother. I’m waiting to see if Amazon is on the list of approved purchase places, or whatever they call it. If so, I’ll send it to him that way. So, that means I have a Jesus Calling with no owner. If you’re interested, let me know.

I just finished reading Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies ~ Some Thoughts on Faith. Let me tell ya, there were some place I laughed out loud. I love her candor and satire. In the second to last chapter I come across something that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like a teddy bear had taken up residence in me. She was describing a friend:

“Also she is one of the few people I know who can tolerate a lot of silence and stillness;  they are central to her spirituality, as is the joy she finds in music and dance. She loves God in the guise of kindness and nature, although she calls God “Howard”, as in “Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.”

I laughed all giddy like. Then I felt a sudden urge to know this woman and women like her. Then I wanted to be that woman. And then I felt God’s heart warmed by those of us who, like this woman, are free spirits in the way we express our joy and praise to Him; not being conformed to some societal idea of how it’s done, shunning those who God made to be just the way they are. I’d also like to think that God is totally alright with being called Howard. Like a term of endearment from a beautiful child of His. Yes, I’m certain He loves it.

Did any of you happen to catch the History channel’s 3 night epic event of Hatfields & McCoys this week? It was tremendous! I loved it! Although there were moments I’d have to interrupt and ask my husband, “What just happened there? I’m lost!” He’d explain. And we’d get back to watching.  It was a family fued that lasted many years, loss of life and heartbreak were unimagineable. Randolph McCoy was a rigidly religious man, hardened even moreso by the long years of battling. He died, drunk, in a house fire in Kentucky. Anderson “Devil Anse” Hatfield was a non-religous man who chose to end the fued as he got older and wiser. At the end of the last episode, he was in the river, being baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He was in his 80′s. I cried.

I was baptized in a Baptist church when I was a girl. One of those big baptismals behind the choir, in front of the congregation. I don’t recall too much except my fear of water and being ‘dunked’ was kinda scary. I know I don’t need to be baptized again, but I’m thinking I’d like to. In a river. By my dad. With just my family standing watch on the riverbank. My heavenly Father, above, grinning from ear to ear; the party still roaring for the lost who finally came Home.

God Is On The Move

It’s 10am this Wednesday morning and so far I’ve been: Overwhelmed by God. Undone. Spinning. Humbled. Grateful. Stunned. Everything you are about to read took place in the span of about 6 hours yesterday.

I purchased a brand new Jesus Calling devotional at a thrift store a few weeks back. For no other reason than knowing the right person would come along and I would have it to give to them. I am, without a doubt, my father’s daughter in this respect.

There are times when the old compulsive feeling returns and yet I know it’s not the selfish compulsion. It’s God nudging me to…just. do. it. More to come on this.

The text came in late yesterday afternoon, my recently newfound old friend from many years back. She had, in the past week, endured an all time low and an all time high. We text back and forth numerous times throughout the evening. At one point I asked her, “So, tell me, how do you go through hell and not come out with anger, resentment, or doubting God’s existence?” A real question for my soul. As Brennan Manning say’s: “When I am dying, I want a man or woman who has struggled honestly with his or her faith and still clung to Jesus.” My friend shared of her faith and what a gift it has been, all her life. God has been her refuge, the one constant relationship in her life. I am still stunned. At the drop of a hat I wonder if He’s real or even cares about me. I continue to be shown how big He is. Read on.

This friend, well, she has a brother doing prison time for murder. During our texts she told me how he was agnostic prior to prison and she offered him some faith. He wasn’t so sure this God, if He existed, could forgive him for what he had done. She told him to ask God. He did. Her brother has read the Bible ten times and is presently at peace with his place in life. Really? I’m barely at peace with my place in life ~ you know, unemployed for over 5 years now, yet FREE. It’s humbling for sure. Makes you take a real honest look at yourself. Well, for me it does. And almost immediately I want to ask her if she thinks he’d like the Jesus Calling devotional. Envisioning this man, her brother, in his prison cell, reading it every day. I ask. She answers. I’m awaiting his address and any rules pertaining to mailing packages to a prison.  I’ve never walked this road before.

Later in the evening I share the short and vague part of this story with a small and private group of friends on facebook. Which prompted a friend to share of her ex-husband’s father who had lived a hard and rough life, did some prison time himself and found God there. His family finding it hard to believe, we’re always waiting for that preverbial shoe to drop, aren’t we? My friend’s ex-husband has struggled with his dad – pre-prison and post-prison. Obviously.

Well, this might come as a surprise to some of you, but her story reminded me of a book I’d read. I can hear you laughing So, I tell her a little bit of this book, written by a man who found redemption from heroin addiction, gang outlaws, and a very dark past. I asked my friend if she thought her ex-husband, who is still a friend of ours, would like the book. I sent him a private message this morning, through tears, asking if he’d be interested in reading it. Giving him the ‘out’ to tell me, “Thanks, but no thanks!” I’m still awaiting his reply.

I laid my tired soul down in bed last night overwhelmed that God does what He does in the harshest, messiest, and ugliest of lives. He invades the darkest places to bring the lost Home, give sight to the blind, and save the worst of us.

Not just in the safe little Bible stories told in Sunday School.

Not just at the Cross over 2,000 years ago.

But right here.

Right now.

In the midst of us.

God is on the move.

There is hope!

He has not forgotten.

Oh, Father, how I praise You! I am undone at Your scandalous love for us all! Thank You! Thank You!!

Seeds, Plants & Faith

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.” Matthew 13:31-32

I don’t know about you, but I used the long weekend to get some much procrastinated yard work done. Have I ever expressed to you how I LOVE poppies? California Poppy ~ as in the flower. Love. Them. I found a packet of seeds at The Sunflower Market last summer and planted some underneath (and around) my mailbox. The orange/yellow color simply makes me smile! This year I knew I wanted more, so back to the market I went. I found more of the same and another type of poppy, a red one. Have I ever expressed to you how I LOVE red? Well, I do. Those packets sat, paitiently, on my kitchen island for probably the last month! Until this weekend when I finally got around to planting them.

I have an old window flower box that hangs on the side of the shed in our backyard. Yes, my husband made it. Yes, he’s adorable. I turned the old soil in that box and sprinkled some of the yellow/orange poppy seeds on top of that and then I slowly added more soil to cover them up. That’s when my mind started going in the spiritual direction…..

These seeds that will one day push through the dirt, reaching for the sun, with all their beauty and vibrant color, have to, first, be buried in the dark. 

I love spiritual analogies! Love. Them.

How’s about another?

Eleven months ago, exactly, I wrote this. Midway down the post you will read the story and see the pictures of a plant that I had chopped severely due to wilty and unlively leaves. Today that same plant (you’re going to have to click on the link that takes you to the old post to even get the difference) looks like this….

 

And two blooms to boot! Ha ha ha! Whooda thunk it, eh? The spiritial progress in most of our lives can seem slow going, at best. But, just like in nature…..growth takes time. Be patient. Be kind. Be loving. To yourself. And others.

In His grace,

Rebekah

Selected. Revised. Edited. Deleted.

I went all the way back to the beginning ~ October 29, 2010 ~ I skimmed some. I read some. I kept some. I deleted some. All the way up to the most recent ~ May 23, 2012 ~ It. Felt. Good. A little over 30 are gone. Kaput. Destroyed. Never to be seen again. I say good-bye and good riddance!

It all started from a comment I received May 7th on a post from last June (2011). I didn’t understand the comment so I had to re-read what I had written. To say I was embarassed would have been an understatement. The comment, the commenter and the following (and continuing) correspondence is another story for a time yet to be determined, but God is amazingly good and I am humbly grateful.

I didn’t set out to cause harm to any one person or group of people through my lamenting, working through my baggage; sharing of my story. My deepest apologies to those who read and walked away scathed. It was never my intention. I am, at times, a little too honest for my own good. It’s all a growth process of which I am still in. Thank you for your grace, humor, patience, and continued friendship. I do not plan on being any less honest, only learn to sift my honesty through the sieve of grace.

The thing that still floors me is my ability to say one thing and act the polar opposite. A grace hypocrite. Yuck. It sits on me all awkward and uncomfortable. I think it’s how He would have it be. May I have ears to hear and eyes to see.

Another thing I noticed, a good thing, is my growth in the last year and a half. At some point I started writing differently ~ I’m still me. I still have big, huge, fat, massive, enormous issues ~ the difference is learning to trust that He is doing in and through me what He will as I surrender and commit to Him (daily) ~ even through the lamenting, working through my baggage and humbly accepting His work in the hard stuff. The ugly moments on this blog, and there’ve been a few, taught me something. Just like life. As well as coming to learn that my big, huge, fat, massive, enormous issues don’t define me, Jesus Christ defines me. Take a little bit of the pressure off, wouldn’t ya say? May I have ears to hear and eyes to see.

In the end, where the rubber meets the road, all I really want to do is encourage you ~ whoever you are ~ I want to encourage those who struggle with faith like I do, those who are prodigals like I am, those who haven’t been able to bring themselves to darken the door of a church like me, and those who love people like us.

I think my favorite part of life is the going foward…..it’s usually very hard to part with the past that we’ve let define, mold, shape and motivate us….but the going foward with a little less weight and alot more grace is a really good place to be!

I anticipate there are some good days ahead! And I can’t wait to share them with you!

In His grace,

Rebekah

Wit’s End Corner

Too much going on in life to give words to. I hope you are well! Today I share a poem from my devotional~ Streams in the Desert~ enjoy!

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”

Christian, with troubled brow?

Are you thinking of what is before you,

And all you are bearing now?

Does all the world seem against you,

And you in the battle alone?

Remember ~ at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is just where God’s power is shown.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”

Blinded with wearying pain,

Feeling you cannot endure it,

You cannot bear the strain,

Bruised through the constant suffering,

Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?

Remember ~ at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is where Jesus lovs to come.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?

Your work before you spread,

All lying begun, unfinished,

And pressing on heart and head,

Longing for strength to do it,

Stretching out trembling hands?

Remember ~ at “Wit’s End Corner”

The Burden-bearer stands.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?

Then you’re just in the very spot

To learn the wondrous resources

Of Him who faileth not:

No doubt to a brighter pathway

Your footsteps will soon be moved,

But only at “Wit’s End Corner”

Is the “God who is able” proved.

Antoinette Wilson

Then. Now. Always.

March 18, 2008 I read:

But Jesus ignored their comments and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just trust me.” Mark 5:36 NLT

March 18, 2008 I wrote:

A powerful day – God showed me verse 36 and it has changed my life.

May 18, 2012 I read:

Jesus overheard what they were talking about and said to the leader, “Don’t listen to them; just trust me.” Mark 5:36 MSG

May 18, 2012 I wrote:

He says this still!

My dear reader, what are you facing today?

What is clawing at your heart?

What is vying for your whole focus?

I’m here to share the astounding news that even today, Jesus is speaking to you as He did Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just trust me!”

My dear reader, who are you listening to today?

Who is clamoring for your ear time?

Who is striving for you to heed to their words alone?

I’m here to share the game changing news that even today, Jesus is speaking to you as He did Jairus, “Don’t listen to them; just trust me!”

Inhale.

Just. Trust. Jesus.

Exhale.

He. Is. Waiting.

 

 

Keyholes, Onions and Love.

Last week I wrote this status on my Facebook page:

“I feel like I’m being pulled through a keyhole. It’s painful, for not all of me can fit and thrilling because I can’t wait to see what’s on the other side!”

 

Just an analogy and picture of what my heart was feeling at the time. I told my mother during our Mother’s Day phone call that I have this mentality that I’m going to ’arrive’ somewhere and there won’t be this need for a ’keyhole’ any longer. So I’m usually surprised at the short distance of time and space before there is yet another keyhole to be pulled painfully and excitedly through.

 

The old nature, the old me….she has to die. I have never been accused of dying on my own. All those ‘old nature’ things held me up, or so I thought, for many years (and even now). Pride. Selfishness. Self-sufficiency. Judgements. Hypocrisy. I don’t need any help living OR talking out of both side of my life OR mouth. I’ve got those down pat – all by myself – without even thinking. Just last week I was commenting on a blog and I was saying some very good things (pride), focusing on how much better I am than those the blog post was about (selfishness), describing this grace that I live by (self-sufficiency) that those described in the blog post were not living by (judgements). I submit my comment and within minutes I see my very own lack of grace towards those I was judging for not having any grace (hypocrisy). I was dumbfounded. It was not possible to delete my comment, but the revelation did something to my heart vision.

 

Note to self: I better check myself before I wreck myself. Ouch. Another keyhole.

 

The keyhole’s come in assorted shapes and sizes. I can’t practice or perpare for them, assuming it’s just another smaller version of those that came before. They are diverse, bringing with them a whole new level of pain, excitement, questions, praise and maturity.  God is good even when I’m crying out that I can’t take one more keyhole!

 

It seems that the prayers I have prayed are being answered in ways I hadn’t considered. If I long to be with God as He awaits the prodigal’s return; if I want to go to the faraway places to be the ‘safe place’ to walk the prodigal home; if I desire to be any sort of help to the Kingdom……there’s some junk I can’t have hangin’ on me. I don’t say this legalistically - I say it humbly and honestly – cuz I got junk! And without a moments notice I’ll spew my junk all over you and bring doubt to all God is doing in both of us.

 

GOT JUNK? Dial 1-800-PRAYER. (this is a joke. please don’t call.)

 

This morning as I thought back on a handful of different people and conversations that have come back into my life and taken place, literally, in the last two weeks – it hit me – it’s just another layer of the onion. All the steps of my feet, all the beats of my heart, have led me to this very time and place. I couldn’t have welcomed these people or their conversations into my world just a few months ago, let alone a few years ago. And with all of this I see the new layer of the onion. It’s fresh and new, it’s sensitive and unsure. I look over and see the old layer, all rotten and smelly and I know…..I’m not doing this. I wouldn’t have asked for this if I’d known. I’m not that kind of person, naturally.

 

I wrote in my prayer journal today: “I’m too jumbled up to know what to say. What do you want me to know?” And instantly I sense this in my heart: “That I love you!”

 

Those are my words for this day. For each situation I am unsure of or insecure over. For each battle the enemy wishes I would give up on or lose altogether. I will move through this day, no matter what, mulling over the life changing truth that God loves me (and you).

 

Rock on peeps! Have a wicked awesome day!

 

 

Randomonday On A Tuesday

If you know me or have been reading for long, you know I don’t abide by the rules enough to care that I’m writing a Randomonday on a Tuesday. It’s how I roll. Thanks for humoring me. And loving me.

~ I enjoy reading my Bible and coming to a verse (or section of verses) that have yet to be underlined and underlining them. Maybe there are some above or below that have already stood out to me or God had showed me something particular about them and I dated those. And then come to find that one, two, three, or even four years later I’m still learning. It’s good to know. Maybe one day the entire book will be underlined and dated. Maybe?

~ I just made a dessert I found on pinterest. Literally just pulled it out of my oven. It’s not for anyone counting calories or on some sort of diet. It involves crushed pretzels, peanut butter cookie mix, reese’s peanut butter cups and brownie mix. Like I said – not for the faint of heart.

~ I purchased one of those ‘good’ wind chimes with the large tubes at a thrift store a couple weeks back. Yes, I’m still thrifty, why do you ask? I’ve always wanted one, but they are so expensive! Me and my champagne taste on a beer salary. Ugh. Anyhoo…..I. LOVE. IT! It’s completely different from the cheaper thinner tube type wind chimes! A beautiful sound to hear in the wind. Which, by the way, is one of me least favorite things. Wind, that is, not beautiful sounds. You’re gonna have to keep up.

~ I have a neighbor who appears to be going through a separation. Never met the guy in my life. Only met his wife at a garage sale I had a few years back. Everytime I see the light on at nightime, draperies gone, blank walls screaming empty and lonely….my heart yearns to go talk to him. See if he’s okay. See if they need to talk to someone. I won’t. That would be weird. “Hi, my name is Rebekah, I know we’ve never met before but I’ve been watching out my window because I have far too much time on my hands and it looks like your wife and kids moved out. Need to talk?” Like I said – weird.

~ In recent weeks there have been numerous people stepping out of  my past and into my present. I have no fear. I have no shame. Isn’t it funny how when you lose those emotions the whole world opens up to you? God is good. I’m just a slow learner.

~ My husband started a new job yesterday. Same company, different location. I have faith in him to get done what needs to get done at the new place. He’s overwhelmed, but smack dab in the middle of what he does best. God’s provision continues. This is why I made the dessert, I wanted it to be a surprise yesterday and only realized upon getting home from the grocery store taht I was missing a key ingredient. It won’t be a surprise today, but it will still be good. And bad (for us).

~ For those of you who are on facebook - A Prodigal’s Continuing Story of Grace is there – just search for A Prodigal’s Continuing Story of Grace and click the ‘like’ button. I share links to new posts and random quotes from books/authors. The profile picture is black/white of a book with the words “we all have a story to tell” on the pages.

~ And last, but certainly not least……I am going to be a grandmother! My youngest daughter and son-in-law, who will celebrate their three year anniversary tomorrow, are expecting in November. Mama and baby are doing just fine! They are set to find out the sex of the baby near the end of June. I never thought I would meet that sort of news with excitement. But, I did. I’m too young to be a grandmother and yet that’s not the reason I don’t want to be called, ‘grandma’ – it just doesn’t suit me. So far my husband is calling me G-mama. We’ll see. The grandchildren have a way of giving us our names.

Have a blessed week!

The Mountain of Humility

Does that title sound like an oxymoron to you? Well, then, let me a’splain…..

In recent days I have experienced great humility – so great I don’t know if I can describe it – but if you know me, you know I’m gonna try.

My physical body felt insignificant. My pride felt crushed. My soul felt elevated. My brain felt overwhelmed. My heart felt saturated. My tears felt real.

Normally I am able to pin-point my feelings then follow that up with expressing them fairly well with words. But, there was a time during this great humility where I could not – too much jumbledupedness. Yeah, that’s a word. Why do you ask?

I didn’t feel stupid. Or wrong. Or bad. Which are all things I have felt so often in my life that I’ve labeled myself such and lived them out with ghusto. Ugh.

I was purely and simply; messily and complicatedly (yes, that’s a word too) humbled. And I could actually see myself doing two things:

1.) I was in a heap at the foot of the Cross. Weaping. Grateful. Undone.

2.) Getting in a car to drive to a mountaintop just to get closer to God. Because I knew, without a doubt, that I needed to be where He was.

I cannot live this life any other way.

To my Heavenly Father be the glory ~ Amen.

Have a blessed day!

In His grace,

Rebekah

 

 

Christ’s Case for Himself

You know those really smart people like Lee Strobel that write books on their research into the evidence for Christ? Delving into all the theological reasons that Jesus really was who He said He was and actually did all that we read He did. And do you know how helpful that is for some people? Very. I’m sure.

But, I’m a different story. Hmph. Typical.

I’m not saying I’m dumb, persey. Well, okay maybe I am saying that. I was a horrible student in school, I don’t learn like other people do or retain the information well. I attempted to read Lee’s book The Case for Christ – it was too big for my britches. I have assumed, over the course of this journey, that I must ‘get smart’ in order to make my own ‘case for Christ’ – God forbid I don’t witness, right? Ugh. Yeah, right.

Over the past 24 hours I’ve been thinking about my life these past 4+ years…. my path and my choices. So today I give to you a checklist for Christ – a checklist I never knew existed, never in a million years thought I would be checking off. And in the end these things are Christ’s case for Himself, lived out of me…..yeah, me. Right!?!?!

~ I choose vulnerability because I am not my own, this life is not mine. You never know when someone, just one person, needs your honesty. I know that if someone takes advantage of my vulnerability, God holds me. How can I not be vulnerable? Look what Jesus did for us……knowing beforehand how He would be treated. Look at what God did in giving us His Word…..knowing millions would take advantage of it and use it to further their own agenda. That is my comfort. If I continue to protect myself I continue to be my own god.

~ My default position lean towards judgemental attitudes, holding back mercy, defensiveness, and deciding on my own what, when, who, where and how. But, instead, I sense this gentle nudging in all things: holding off on judgements because what do I really know anyway? Handing out mercy like I’m a vendor in a grocery store on the weekends serving bite-size chicken on toothpick skewers.  And it’s so unpopular too, this mercy thing. I read recently that karma is anti-Gospel and therefore it is anti-Christ. If karma is real, I’m screwed. And so are you.  I have found, in very recent days, that defending myself is an old habit created by my fake self, who doesn’t trust a soul – let alone herself or her Creator. Amazing how choosing NOT to defend (or explain) yourself is a freedom you never knew could be lived in. *sigh* And in seeking His face every morning - knowing He is in the minutiae of the day – I know whatever, whenever, whoever, wherever, and however – I am His and He has me exactly where He wants me. *sigh* more freedom!

~ I chose to accompany a girlfriend to visit her mentally ill mother, who has been a ward of the state for many years, in a nursing home. A mother whom she hadn’t seen in years after leaving the violently abusive home my friend endured in childhood. It’s moments like these, in looking back, that I know without a doubt I don’t walk this path alone. Prior to Jesus – I would have NEVER wanted to go to a place like that - SCARY!! What if mental illness is contagious? What if someone I was trying to impress caught me going into such a run down place on the outskirts of downtown Denver, and I had to ‘explain’ myself?  Sure sometimes I still struggle with doing something hard, but I don’t do these things for myself. I offered to go with her because I knew it was something she needed to do – for herself – and I knew she couldn’t do it alone. Getting off my high horse and learning to be there for someone else, even when it’s in an uncomfortable place, is just more freedom. *sigh*

~ I quit smoking. Ha ha ha. You’d really have to know me to fully grasp that one. I’m the rebel with no self-control. I. Quit. Smoking. Went off without a hitch. Yeah….I didn’t do that one by myself! Seriously. And for anyone who’s paying attention, it’s been over 2 years now. Yeah…..it’s pretty much awesome! The money I’ve saved I’ve spent on powdered sugar donuts, pop-tarts and diet coke.

~ My ‘know-it-all’ attitude is less and less. I used to be quite proud of myself when I could tell you something you needed to know. All the while my life was falling apart right under my nose. But, look at how much I know and how I’ve helped you. I’ve learned, through painful and humbling circumstances, that I don’t know much about alot. And I hate to sound like a broken record, but…*sigh* there’s that freedom again

~ Have you ever had those real-time moments where you know that God is doing the doing? I can sit with a person who is telling me their story and expressing their honest feelings, and ahem, I mean honest – and I don’t even flinch. I imagine all those notorious sinners Jesus came across – you know – the ones like you and I – and not a flinch. Only love. Awesome stuff!

~ I have recently reconnected with a good friend from many years ago – God’s timing is impeccable – and learned of one of their family member’s murdering another family member. Yeah. Big stuff. Without question I offered to accompany her to visit that family member in prison. No judgement calls. No lectures on moral living. No sermons on anything.  I’ve never been to a prison. I never envisioned myself going to one either. But, what did Jesus mean when He told us to love each other as He has loved us? By picking and choosing what, when, who, where and how ourselves?

No, I think not. It’s called the narrow road! There aren’t alot of travelers,  He told us that much. But, we don’t walk it alone – and for that I’m beyond grateful.

A Book and Bulimic Addendum

First and foremost I wish to say that sometimes I really suck at getting a point across in my words. I get impatient and say things in a quicker way than maybe I should. For that, I aplogize. I considered deleting this post, but decided against it. 

I did not in any way, shape, or form, think that God finds it acceptable to deny Him or question His existence. What I was trying to say, and in my clarification I might make it worse *sigh*, is that for those who have been involved in deeply fundamental religions and/or cults, denying or doubting the god who was presented to them is a good thing.

When I come up against someone who is agnostic or athiest, I have found they are denying or doubting God in a way I would as well, had I experienced their life in their shoes, with their personality. For instance, in a blog I skimmed recently this person was explaining why they aren’t a whore just because they wear pants to church. Yes, I would deny that god as well. All in all I think some people have done a great disservice to the Gospel message. Myself included *sigh*

I hope that you who know me, know my heart well enough to know I don’t think God is jumping for joy when any human being denies and/or doubts His existence. I’m just not 100% certain that some who do deny and doubt are denying and doubting the One True God, but rather a falsely portrayed god.

Lastly in adding to this - I totally forgot a really GREAT book I read just last month! I suppose I’m not only not good at expressing myself, but also not all that great with remembering……

Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli - I read books like this and wonder why I haven’t had the priviledge to meet someone like them in real life and enjoy their friendship, their candor, their struggle, and their grace.

This is all I have to say today. I’m doubting my abilities today. Ugh, I hate it when that happens. I’m going to eat my breakfast now.

A Bulimic Faith

I’m unsure who I’m writing this specific post for?

Me.

My faithful reading audience.

The lurkers in my midst.

Anyone who may find this in their late-night surfing at a much later date.

Or all of the above.

But, I write because I feel it needs to be said.

First off, I’d like to express my desire to wholly trust that above ALL else God is sovereign and trustworthy. With us, the human race. That rarely means, I am finding, that all goes as we would have planned and according to our wishes or prayers. Thankfully!!!

Recently I’ve come across some blogs that are written by people who are choosing or leaning very strongly towards the agnostic side of things. Now if you’ve been around here for long you know that I don’t get into the religous babble of the day or even the religous babble from back in the day; denominations, doctrinal beliefs, labels, etc. Yuck. With a capital YUCK. 

As I was skimming the posts of one imparticular I had a thought and really wanted to share it here. You can tell me what you think. Or not.

There has been and is presently some incredibly horrendous things going on in our world in the name of religion. Heck, in the name of Jesus Christ! Sickening things. And to those who have been, are, and will be caught up in the tempest of that life with all it entails I say this: “I’m sorry! He is not as they make Him seem!”

For those who escape the turmoil and begin to seriously grapple with their beliefs and God Himself – some even choosing to deny Him alltogether – I firmly believe that denying ‘that particular God’ exists is a good place to start. Having been fed massive doses of that kind of ‘religious food’ there needs to be a time of purging.

As believers we can sometimes get a little uncomfortable with someone who is verbally denying or questioning the existence of God. I’m not sure if we think He needs us to defend Him? Or if our little feelers get hurt because someone doesn’t believe the way we do. Either way, I write to throw this out there:

What if that person you know who is outwardly grappling with denying the existence of God is going through a season of  bulimic faith? What if God Himself is walking them through this season as they purge the lies spoken in His Name? And when all is said and done our Heavenly Father brings that person safely Home to Him? All the while, His ways and thoughts being higher than ours, uses it for His glory and a greater purpose? If you kept this nugget with you as you journey through your day, how would it change your conversations, tones, body language, and over-all feeling you give off in their presence? And how would that appear to them?

Just sayin’…..

Good Reads:

Happy middle of the week to ya!

Something told me to share some of the really tremendous books I’ve read in recent months. I have linked each book title up to its Amazon page to make it easier for you, my reader, to order a book

Please keep in mind that I purchase alot of my books at thrift stores, so this isn’t a list of the most recent trendsetters or controversial books. That’s not how I roll. Also, this is not a review on these books, just a list of books that are helping change my perception of God, Jesus, and this faith journey!

First and foremost in the last 6 months I’ve read each of John Lynch’s books. He has been instrumental in changing my view of God and His grace, also teaching how to live authentically as Christ in me. Each of these books come highly recommended by me, for whatever that’s worth to you.

Bo’s Cafe ~ This is a novel that accompanies the two titles below very well!!

TrueFaced

and

The Cure ~ What if God Isn’t Who You Think He Is and Neither Are You

I’ve become quite the Brennan Manning fan too, anything by him I would suggest. But, these I’ve read twice this year….back to back. Such good nuggets of authentic living in Christ with these books!

Posers, Fakers and Wannabes ~ Unmasking the Real You

The Signature of Jesus ~ The Call to a Life Marked by Holy Passion and Relentless Faith

In recent months I’d come across alot of Max Lucado in the thrift stores I frequent. I don’t know what that says about Max, but I’m glad I did.

He Chose The Nails

No Wonder They Call Him the Savior ~ Chronicles of the Cross

This one I just found Monday. Started reading it at around 4:30 pm that day and was finished with it last night. Tremendous, incredible, heartwrenching, and honest. I absolutely LOVE stories of people who are and have been on the front lines of life being Jesus with skin on. If you don’t click on any other title, please click on this one.

http://www.amazon.com/God-Ground-Zero-Ray-Giunta/dp/B000IOF3BO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335964465&sr=1-1

I tried numerous times to get that link to work correctly. I could not. It will just have to be this way.

Would love to hear from you as well!! Please list your book recommendations in the comments section!

Happy reading!!

Randomonday

Just some random things I need to get off my chest.

~ I read an article in our local paper yesterday regarding a special ‘task force’ of the cities police department to keep homeless people from ‘camping out’ on privately owned property. The article followed two of the officers as they made their rounds. The first group of homeless people they come across were under the stairs of a Baptist church, the officers woke them and said, “You know the church doesn’t want you here.” – I haven’t been able to resolve that statement in my heart. But, I’m praying.

~ I saw my dad over the weekend. Some good conversations. Some hard conversations. Some laughter. And some tears. It was the first time I saw him as an ‘old man’ – and I don’t know how I feel about that. Also there is a situation that he has been praying about for years, he’s weary and says to me, “I don’t even know what to say to God anymore.” – and I don’t know how I feel about that.

~ One of the hardest things for me is realizing how differently I view and walk out this journey of faith than my parents do. And trying to be gracious and respectful in that difference. Even though the difference hits some of my major issues deeply.

~ Why is it so much easier for me to be loving and respectful towards an angry and judgemental athiest than it is an angry and judgemental Christian?

~ I think love is where it’s at. All other things are secondary. However, when I take into consideration my statement above, I still don’t get it :/

~ If someone is not interested in the gospel, stop talking. Start showing.

~ The fact that addiction is hard to quit really makes me mad.

~ I have not read the entire Bible (OT). I don’t believe that makes me less able to follow Jesus.

~ To bring this to an end, I’ll quote from the message I heard over the weekend:

“Don’t you dare go looking for a Bible verse to justify not loving someone. Don’t you ever use the Word of God to hurt another person.” – Andy Stanley

The Prodigal Returns

I hadn’t read the book in many years. I’d come across it every few years and even flipped through it, but the content of words, the story and subsequent deep emotional attachment, I left untouched in the box it was stored in.

Until today.

I’d seen a picture online that reminded me of myself as a wee little one and I thought I remembered that picture being in this book. Scattered amongst the story were pictures of me as I grew up. I’m being modest when I say –  I was an incredibly adorable child with a smile that lit up a room.

Still am.

Ha. How’s that for modest?

I skimmed some of the words unsure I wanted to delve in, but ultimately did. These words being written by my mother who gave it as a gift to my husband on our first married Christmas. Circa, a long time ago. Titled his name and “This is Your Wife”, instead of ‘this is your life’. I think she was wanting to explain his wife to him. I don’t think it helped.

I know the story. It’s my life. I know the script. I carry it in my soul.  There were some emotional reactions that I hadn’t anticipated. Crying from my gut. Feeling like I wanted to laugh, cry, scream and punch a wall…..all at the same time. Ever felt like that? No? Yeah, me neither, I was only kidding.

I write this blog for various reasons, one of which is to, hopefully, bring encouragement to all of us that God is alive and hears us when we cry out to Him. That He has a plan in all of our junk. And I pray that what I’m about to share will magnify that truth in your heart and help you in whatever you may be facing in your life today.

My mom had done all she could with me and, at the end of her rope, after I’d refused to finish out some sort of aptitude testing, she writes of God reminding her of a story in the Bible. Maybe you’ve heard of it? The parable of the prodigal son. I will let her tell the story:

- “The Lord reminded me of this story (she had just explained it prior). I got out my Bible to read it again. I decided that the Lord was trying to tell me to “free Becky” just as this father had freed his son to go live wildly. Each child makes choices which are their own.

Free her to fail! Free her to be a prostitute, if that is her choice! Free her to be a cook at McDonald’s! Let her go! Stop forcing her to go to counselors; stop trying to direct her; stop managing her life.

With a great deal of struggle, I freed her. She was totally God’s responsibility. I could do no more to change her. Nothing drastic happened. I had more peace, but Becky continued as before.” -

I read those words and was dumbfounded. This experience my mother had must have been roughly 1984 or 1985. My mother tells me she has shared this story with me before, but I do not recall. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the truth in it.

Here I am, 43 years old, in the year 2012…….27 or 28 years later……sitting here with an ever growing relationship with God in Christ; my prodigal tattoo on the back of my neck, which I received in 2009; writing on a blog that I titled – A Prodigal’s Story of Continuing Grace – and I can almost grasp the sovereignty in it, not quite, but almost.

He knew!

He knew!

HE KNEW!

And whomever you are, wherever you are…..

Whomever you are praying for to return to Him….

Whomever God is asking you to ’let go’, to ‘free’…..

He hears!

He knows!

“Nuff said. 

Glory to God, yo!

 

 

Resolve or Not To Resolve

I had another tough phone call with a friend today. What do I mean by tough? I’m not sure. I think it’s tough to hear their life, but not nearly as tough as it is for them to live it. I think it’s tough for me to be reminded that I don’t know anything. And when that reminder comes there is no cliche that can pass through my lips, I just couldn’t fathom throwing a cliche on a life that has experienced so much trauma and loss. So usually I find myself stumped.

I’d like to preface this post with stating the obvious: I like to know stuff. I like to help people. And I like to see things get resolved. Let me also state the less than obvious: I like to know stuff because it makes me feel smart. I like to help people because it lessens my feelings of inferiority and uselessness. And I like to see things get resolved because I am low on the patience virtue, I dislike messy things and when things aren’t resolved my inferiority and uselessness climb to all-time highs. 

There, I said it. Are you happy now?

Since 2007 this friend has lost his wife (heart attack in her sleep at 38), 4 months later he himself awakened to the inability to walk and was thus diagnosed with a rare auto-immune disorder that attacks the muscles; had to ‘return’ a 2nd child they were in the process of adopting (but hadn’t finalized legally) because it took all he had to be in rehab and learn to walk again while their 7 year old son lived with his grandparents (this he still carries extreme guilt over); and due to this disease he lost his ability to work, ‘like men are supposed to’, he says. The medications he has been on have done a real number to his insides and most days he just feels like crap. All of that is on the heels of his abusive childhood. Today he wanted to share about the fight that he and his 12 year old son had last night. Yeah, 12 is a tough age, add to that all the trauma. The boy lashed out at his dad telling him it was his fault mom died. At some point in all the fighting the boy kicked a hole in the wall.

I explained to my friend that all of this is over my head and we can just begin every conversation with the mutual agreement that I don’t have a flippin’ clue what I’m talking about. I said it with humor, but really, I don’t. Have a clue, that is. I may have a heart of compassion for people, which helps me listen, but not advise when it all gets over my head.

Throughout the conversation I was grateful that anger doesn’t surprise me, nor do bad words offend me. It’s a good thing too. God musta known what He was doing in my life to bring me to this point. And that has me a little perplexed today but I’m not writing about that right now.

I told this friend a few months ago, “I’ll stand in the middle of this shit-storm with you because that’s what God has done with me!” It is very important to me to be a person you can trust with your life, your heart, and your story all to find that I won’t reject you, judge you, or abandon you. I believe he took me up on my offer.

Afterwards I was thinking, “What if resolve isn’t the point?” Are we really to carry out these relationships with people just to get them ‘resolved’ of their baggage and issues and problems and sins? So we can get on with life and feel better about it somehow? Or is this, in and of itself, what life is: unresolved, dysfunctional and messy? 

Just a little bit of where my brain is today….thanks for humoring me.

 

 

 

I Am His Beloved

It all started because I was grabbing some old jeans off the top shelf of my closet to donate to the thrift store. And no, I don’t wish to talk about the jeans.

There they were, opposite those adorable and tiny jeans (ahem, I told you I didn’t want to talk about it!), my journals. All out of whack and sliding away from each other about to fall off the shelf. So, I decided to take them down, put them in order of date written and place them neatly back on the shelf. Some might say I have obsessive compulsive disorder, I like to call it organized.

As I was flipping through to find each journals’ begin and end date, I read some of my prayers. Wow.

As I had them all laid out over my bed and started to put them in order, I decided to read today’s entry in each year.

The thing that struck me the most was growth. The kind of growth I can’t see because, well, I’m me. I am with me all the time. I can’t get away from me. And yes, sometimes that’s been very unfortunate thing. But, alas, I saw growth.

As I walked away, having placed them all neat and tidy on the shelf, I’ve pondered, “What was it about my past writing that made me see growth?” In the most basic of ways nothing in my life has changed. I am not living a dream today that I was praying for then. I mean, heck, I still don’t have a job! So, what was it?

Two things, besides growth, stand out in my heart:

Trust and Friendship

I started journaling in February 2008, six months after giving my life to Christ, and after nearly 30 years of running, full speed ahead, away from this god I thought I knew. I was angry (still can be), resentful (still can be), and selfish (still am). As I have shared before the reason I began writing out my prayers to Him is because I didn’t know how to pray, so I wrote. Words from my heart to His. 

Looking back I can see this desperate attempt to please Him with, not just my words, but my requests too. Which doesn’t make them any less from my heart, nor did it at the time. It was just my view of this god that was so insatiably disappointed in me that I knew I needed to appease Him. Or else.

I heard someone say recently that God doesn’t yell at us. It’s His still small voice we hear. That the closer you get to someone, the more gently you speak to them. What a wonderful visual, for me. And now, seeing this growth in me, it makes even more sense.

On and through April 16, 2008 and April 16, 2009 and April 16, 2010 and April 16, 2011 and today……He was and continues to draw me ever closer to Him. Removing layer upon layer of misconception, deceit, unforgiveness, anger, and I’ll choose et-cetera instead of listing out all my ickiness (it’s okay, you’re welcome). so we could be closer. With, no doubt, many more layers to go!

The prayer I wrote this morning compared to all the other prayers shows a girl who is becoming more and more convinced of her beloved status with her Father in Heaven. She is learning to trust His love, His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness and His timing in her life. She is also speaking to Him more as a close friend than a distant, harsh and never-satisfied judge.

I’m amazed! I hope I never lose that sense of awe and wonder. Me! Me? He cared enough to pursue me through my worldy ventures and sin-stained choices to bring me to this very place I am in today. Some times there just aren’t enough words.

I guess I’m glad I had to get rid of those jeans after all. 

 

 

I Think Unlearning Is The Hardest Part

During a major crossroads in my marriage I recall telling my husband, “In the filing cabinet of my memory it’s far easier to pull out a bad memory surrounding you than it is a good one. I think I just need some time.”

That conversation took place 6 years ago this summer. Alot of water has rushed under that bridge and alot of good memories have replaced the bad. I’m unsure the bad will ever truly be gone, persey, but in the filing cabinet of my mind at this present time it’s far easier for me to pull out a good memory surrounding him than a bad one. I think I just needed some time.

When someone has a deep wound cut by a church, a Christian family or an indvidual Christian it can be a real doozie to move beyond that hurt and see there are good people out there claiming the name of Christ. I think the wounded might need some time. Will you, my faithful reader, please stop and re-read that sentence?

‘I think the wounded might need some time.’

Thank you.

In my real life I don’t have any face-to-face relationships with other believers who can speak the truth to me in love, tell me who exactly I am in Christ no matter what and encourage me onward, unless you count my parents. I’ve got such a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to church and believers in general that I’d rather have a root canal without any novocaine than gather together with them in something formal and churchy. In the filing cabinet of my memory it’s far easier to pull out a bad memory surrounding Christianity as a whole than it is to find a good one. I will confess that there have been times I’ve white knuckled that resentment to keep my bad attitude, atleast in my mind, in good standing. But alas, don’t think there weren’t times I didn’t come face to face with another person claiming Christ’s name who validated every ugly thing I believed them to be. Usually I walked away from those encounters feeling good that I could stay angry, but also very depleted and, well, sad.

I haven’t been able to understand why God would allow those kinds of people to continue crossing my path!?! Wasn’t He interested in proving to me that He wasn’t like that? Didn’t He want my deep wounds to finally heal? Aren’t there any good people out there?

I stopped writing and read that ^ paragraph again, I crack myself up sometimes. I still get stuck on God only proving Himself through others, instead of proving Himself by Himself to me and only me when it comes to my wound, my hurt, my heart. He knows, even more than I do, what it is I need to see the Truth about Him. No other human being on this planet, no matter how studied in theology, religion, or the Bible can know that about me. Or you for that matter.

That being said, I’m grateful to have had these years to sit at His feet, to the disappointment of some and the benefit of my soul.

I have met a few very wonderful women through this blog and on facebook. Just yesterday I had a phone conversation with one of them that I’d been ‘friends’ with on facebook for about 6 months. The blessing was instant and long felt, and I see there is hope…….

There are random people, claiming the name of Christ, who can love you, accept you and offer you the encouragement you need at your place on the journey. They can tell you the Truth about who you are in Christ and walk with you authentically.Do you know what I realized this morning…….

The remainder of my day yesterday I had a bounce in my step, a freshness to my attitude and a freedom in my heart!! Why? Because she didn’t validate my anger and my resentment, she gave me something new to ponder.

I think unlearning is the hardest part.

Priscilla

Priscilla is not a woman, doesn’t want to be a woman, is straight, and if I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure about the rest.

The call came in a couple months back regarding a wedding dress I was selling on craigslist (that’s a whole ‘nutha story). The voice on the other end of the phone was of a male. Not like James Earl Jones or anything but not the stereotype hyper feminine voice of a gay person. Immediately I knew to tread lightly.

I wasn’t even going to answer my phone, but at the last minute I did. It would change my…….day? week? month? year? Or life? I’m not sure. But something bigger than me was at work from the moment the call came in. Our conversation would last over an hour. Instant hit, if you will. We chatted like we’d known each other for years. He shared of his experience with people not understanding his chosen lifetsyle and I shared of my experience within the religious community. It’s all about being accepted for who you are, I don’t care what ‘community’ you’re in. As much as I didn’t (don’t) understand what he is all about, I understand a person with a fear of being rejected for who they are.

Midway through the call I had this overwhelming urge to tell him how much God loved him right then and there, no strings attached, just like he is. So…..I did. Never done anything like that in my life!!!! And not in a will-you-pray-this-prayer-so-you-don’t-go-to-hell kind of way either. It was more than that, it was bigger than that, it was about love not fire insurance. I would be in tears by the time I was done talking and so would he.

He thanked me. Told me no one had ever said any such things to him with such heart behind it. Anyone who claimed God or Christ was more hateful to him. I’m sorry to say I wasn’t surprised. As the call neared its end, I was so glad I had this opportunity and told him I hoped to talk to him again, but if I didn’t good luck with your graduation (from the program he was in that he needed the wedding dress for) and in his life.

I saved his number in my phone. I don’t know why, I just did.

He called me two days later. To tell me he had gone with another dress. We talked for another hour.

Told me he had shared our conversation with his friends because he was so incredibly happy the rest of that day. That his mother from out of state had called and they had a good conversation, the first in a long time. Told me that she was a religious woman (whatever that means to him). That she might fly in for his graduation and he was ecstatic. That his father was in and out of prison most of his life and he didn’t have a very good relationship with him. We learned, through talking, that his mother had him at a very young age, like I did my children. And my oldest daughter’s name was his sister’s middle name. That his ‘real’ name was Mark Anthony, we laughed, like we were new soul friends. It was really wonderful. I expressed my desire to meet him and his mother if she did come to Colorado in April for his graduation and ended the call with an invitation to call if he ever needed to talk. This stranger turned friend.

Today marks the 5th day of April and I can’t remember when Priscilla’s graduation was supposed to take place but he’s been on my mind for about 10 days or so now. Just yesterday my mom asked me about Priscilla and after I told her she said, “Maybe he told his friends about you and they told him, “No, no, no don’t go there, she’s only wanting to get close to you so she can convert you.” Which of course I replied to mom that I understood that kind of feeling. Heck, I’m a believer in Christ and I still feel like some Christian’s would like to ‘convert’ me to their brand. Ugh. Anyway. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that and as I was straightening up the house this morning I got sad, like deep in my heart sad…….

“If only I could have the opportunity to show, I mean really show Priscilla (and others), that I have no hidden agenda’s or motives. That I wanted to be his (and their) friend and love him (them) where he (they) is (are).”

And instantly I felt like God said:

“I know how you feel!”

The Same

It really is all in our perspective, isn’t it? What is “it”, you might ask?

Life. Love. People.

Although it’s usually hard, I love having my perspection blown outta the water. It changes a person.

As my mom and I were pulling away from the fast-food place we stopped for a bite to eat, but more importantly a bathroom break, I saw a woman, rolled down my window and said, “Excuse me ma’am (now that I think about it, I wonder how they felt about being called ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir’?) would you like some food? And immediately she and the other woman who was walking so far ahead of her I didn’t know they were together came to my car.

Two women. Neither wearing anything feminine, trendy, or pretty for that matter. One of them had so much lipstick on I have to wonder if she put it on without a mirror? Or if she thinks that helps her look more beautiful?

My mom is in the passenger seat gathering up the two bags and drink pouches as they ask if we have any spare change, gotta get on the bus (I don’t know if that’s true or not? Maybe ‘bus’ is street slang for crack or something). I never have cash on me but my car ash tray is always full of change so I pull it all the way out and see random nickels, pennies and dimes; $.50, maybe. They are at the window and see what I see, when I say, “Not really!”, in answer to their question and they reply with, “No, no, no that’ll work!” It’s all about perspective, isn’t it? If you don’t have any money fifty cents is a good day.

I’m driving down Speer Boulevard which runs along side, and at some points over, the South Platte River in the heart of downtown Denver. Lots of homeless sleep in the underpasses of the bridges while the runners run the trail that is parallel to the river. The intersections in the area are usually full of the homeless and their signs, that’s where we’ve had the best luck in handing out food. I see a man trying to pull his cart of worldly goods up the embankment, maybe he’s just wakened to the day and coming up to street level? He’s struggling and I don’t know whether I pass him up or interrupt him? There’s no parking spaces and you can’t just stop in the middle of the road. God’s always got my back and the light at the intersection ahead turns red and I slow to ask him if he would like some food, and yes, I called him sir. Hmmm.

He is the epitome of homeless, along with his cart he is layered in clothing that has seen better days, a stocking cap on that covers only part of his crazy hair. Think Jim from the t.v. series Taxi. He looks at me, pauses, then states, “Yes.” The only problem is he has to let go of his cart and it’s near the top. He releases his grip, stands there to ensure the cart isn’t going anywhere, it doesn’t so he walks towards me and I hand him the bag of food and drink pouch. He is dirty, his hands are shriveled and don’t work well. As he takes it from my hands I want to touch him, skin to skin, my way of letting  him to know I’m not afraid of him. He drops the drink pouch and that’s when I want to put my car in park and help the guy out but I can’t. I want him to know that, no matter what he may think or what others have said to him, he was made in the image of God! I pull away, tears in my throat.

I tried to talk to my mom about this man but I couldn’t get the words out. Then again in a few minutes, still couldn’t do it. The feelings, the revelation were too profound to get out.

Our society has been having a sordid love affair with perfection and labels and stereo-types and snap judgements. It’s very easy to view through the lens of society. But what if they’re wrong?

God loves that dirty old man, the one with no home, no job, no title, no checking account, no tithing, no church membership, no fancy car; probably a life of mistakes and regret maybe even addiction or mental illness. God loves that man the same as me.

It’s all about perspective, isn’t it?

Unknown and Regarded as Nothing

My mind can get grandiose in its thinking, I hope for big things and assume even larger ones. All to the demise of the little humility I might have on any given day. The Brown Bags of Grace was such a thing and all I wanted to do was make it BE something. If it BECAME something then that would make ME be something too. After all these years of unemployment, striving, hoping, taking steps and praying I really thought it was all God’s big idea! I mean, why would He have me not doing anything, He’s got to be up to something and this was going to be “it”.

It must have been the end of February when I wanted to seek donations. I’m not exactly sitting in the lap of luxury and able to do this on my own. I had 2 places imparticular I wanted to go: Hobby Lobby for some perfect sized brown bags and Wal-Mart for whatever they wanted to give – socks, water, hand-wipes, batteries, food, etc.  My first stop, Hobby Lobby. I was given a number to call at the corporate level. Next was Wal-Mart, the lady who handles donations wasn’t in that day so I would have to come back.  Upon my return home I immediately called the Hobby Lobby number, I barely got my words out when the woman on the other end of the line cut me off to transfer me to an automated message regarding Hobby Lobby and their donations. I listened. I hung up. The hot air in my balloon came spilling out.

Hobby Lobby gets many requests for donations so they have a 10% discount for any church or nationally known charity organization and you must use the credit card and/or checking account of said organization.

*sigh*

“Who do you even think you are anyway?” Said the devil who had taken up residence on my shoulder. Insert sinister laughter here.

I decided to drop the whole thing. I know that must sound like I give up easily and I don’t mean it to. It just happened to be the last straw in a massive hay bale of disappointments. The five years of slamming doors at each step accumulated into that very moment. I was tired. Forget it.

Back in February while I was still in the process of handing out the bags of food I decided I wanted to do breakfast burritos next (which would be in April, as I was going out every other month). But now, there would be no next. There would be no breakfast burritos.

I have read two phenominal books in as many weeks. Both Brennan Manning. Life changing books. Something I read in recent days is: “In effect, Jesus said, ‘blessed are you if you love to be unknown and regarded as nothing.’  There’s a switch! Desperately wanting to make something out of ME vs. being unknown and regarded as nothing.

One week ago today I made a big ol’ pot of green chili. First night we had it with tortillas, second night smothered burritos (yes, I’m making myself hungry too, sorry). I wanted a little help with another recipe so I asked on facebook and received good suggestions, one of which was green chili breakfast burritos.  Within 24 hours of getting that suggestion the gentle but persistent weight was on my heart.

“Breakfast burritos? What are you going to do, make them for yourself? Seems a little coincidental, don’t you think? I mean, after all, you had wanted to do breakfast burritos and April is right around the corner, literally.”

Finances being as they are presently I didn’t do as much as I have the last two times. The flour tortillas were a 10-pack. The socks were a 10-pack, so 10 it would be (normally it’s 12). As I pulled out the last of my brown bags, I counted 11. My mother bought Minute Maid’s Pink Lemonade pouches to help and we were on our way.

She and I were in the car for a little over 2 hours yesterday.  She was blessed. The people who received food were blessed. I was blessed.

More tomorrow…….

 

 

Wounded Wisdom

Are you up for a little food for thought on this Monday? I’ve been thinking, I know, I know, always dangerous and the title of this post came to me.

I’ve been known to lay out a few quotes on my facebook page. Quotes from people who have been known to walk away from their faith. Just yesterday morning I quoted a Steve Jobs doozie:

 ”The juice goes out of Christianity when it becomes too based on faith rather than on living like Jesus or seeing the world as Jesus saw it.”

Last week it was an Anne Rice quote, here’s a portion:

“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being ‘Christian’ or to being part of Christianity.”

Doing such things makes me question: Why would I quote a person who has openly and famously rejected the Christian faith? Why are my facebook friends more apt to see quotes like this instead of Bible verses? I seem to have deep seeded struggles with the Bible. But that, my dear reader, is a whole other ball of wax to which I am not getting into today.

I came across a pretty phenominal sentence last week, unsure of its origination, but it was this: “Do not allow the church to define Jesus for you.” Wowzers, eh?

After all my thinking, pondering and questioning it hit me clean across the face….these people - Steve Jobs, Anne Rice, whoever wrote or said that last one and many, many more have all been wounded in their faith and along their journey. They have what Im calling here ‘wounded wisdom’, something many inside the church would be wise to stop and listen to.

Do you think it’s possible that someone who has walked away has a clearer view of Christ than those inside? Kind of a controversial thought, but one I’m willing to walk out. What I wouldn’t do to have had the opportunity to have a sit down with Steve Jobs and really get to the heart of the matter. Anne Rice, I’d love to have an afternoon marked out in her calendar just for me.

There were many religious leaders and synagogue attendees who knew well the prophecy of the coming Messiah and yet Jesus was known to be surrounded by the ‘trash’ of the day, saught out even, by those who had been shunned by the religious community and their followers.

I’m more inclined (and always have been, but for differing reasons) to be attracted to and spend time with those on the ‘outside’. I love hearing their stories and wounded wisdom. If you have any that you’d like to share, please consider commenting on this post or sending me a private e-mail at: graceandgiggles@comcast.net

 

An Explosion of Grace

I awakened early this morning and headed straight to a new book. I read and read and read taking in the words like you do when you read. Until.

“God is, perhaps, more tender than than you know.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off the words. My heart seemed to be immovable. Partly in shock. Partly in anticipation of the reality of the words to stick to my soul, like glue.

As I moved on through my morning and started my reading time with my Bible and devotions, I couldn’t litter my mind with anything other than that sentence with its powerful punch.

“God is, perhaps, more tender than you know.”

God. Tender. Wow.

So my entire reading time existed of my writing out three things from this book that I wanted or felt compelled to stay on. I want to share those with you here:

1 – “God is, perhaps, more tender than you know.” 

2 - “The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation…..not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to this place….I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me, “You are my son (daughter), my beloved one.” 

3 - “This is the Big Idea: Define yourself radically as one totally loved by God. Right now. As-Is. Not to be left like this, certainly, but just as certainly never to be loved, valued, cherished any more or less than you are in this very moment because God’s love does not depend on you. So please, please, please stop running away when you mess up, and run into the arms of the one who totally loves you as you are right now. 

I asked Him what He wanted me to know about these things. I wrote them out in short as I asked for His grace and strength to help me meditate on them…..

~ God is more tender than I know.

~ I am anchored in (that tender) God.

~ God loves me right now, at this very moment. Wholly. Totally. Fully.

If this were to become my lifes foundation, or yours, what would the rammifications be? What would happen in ones life who believed that God is tender, that they are anchored in and by Him and not all the other junk we assume in this world (or shall I say consume?), and are totally loved by this tender and anchoring God?

It would be life altering to the nth degree. I think we might even be forecasting an explosion of grace. I just know it. I can feel it rumbling under the surface.

(The book I shared from is Brennan Manning’s (with Jim Hancock) Posers, Fakers & Wannabes – Unmasking the Real You)

You Just Never Can Tell

I’d sat there for a few moments in silence. Figgity. Mind-wandery. Silent again. Bow my head. Look out the window. This sitting down and listening is hard work for a do-er. Then I opened my Bible and started to read out of Matthew 21. Jesus was riding into Jerusalem on the donkey two of his disciples had gone in and retrieved for Him. Coats being laid out. Cut off branches being laid down. He was in the center of the crowd and the people were shouting:

“Praise God for the Son of David! Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Praise God in highest heaven.”

And immediately I thought, “Weren’t these some of the same people shouting, only days later, “Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him!”?

I was blown away at the heart of the matter. Jesus, being the Son of God and all was, no doubt, not the least bit impressed by all this praise, for He knew it was fake and shallow and what’s the opposite of authentic? Fake….I guess I already said that.

Wow. I picture myself there. Being who I am today, with all my baggage and issues and insecurities. I’m not with the crowd for I feel a bit off-put, whether the blame be on the crowd or on me. Honestly it’s probably a bit of both. I’m off to the side watching it all and I’m feeling largely insecure that I can’t be in that crowd shouting and praising with all my might. As so many have told me that’s exactly where I ‘should’ be. But the inner reality was not everyone’s heart was in it. Motives were skewed, at best.

You just never can tell, can you?

I started a new book yesterday, “Posers, Fakers and Wannabes – Unmasking the Real You” by Brennan Manning and Jim Hancock. Brennan writes this story of a dream he’d had:

An Olympic athlete is being honored at some big, expensive, high-dollar plated dinner. From the podium this athlete speaks of the power of Christ and gratitiude to God, but behind those fancy words is a heart that does not inhabit those words. Stardom has chipped away at his presence with Christ.

Break away to one man imparticular, a part of the athletes entourage, who is most comfortable in his servant role. He looks like a has-been, unkept, dingy and aging. He was not invited to a party such as this, he doesn’t fit in. You find him in a cheap motel sitting down to a heated up frozen dinner, alone. He closes his eyes, the love of Jesus surges within him, his eyes fill with tears as he whispers, “Thank You Jesus.”

That story is profound to my soul.

You just never can tell, can you?

 

Sit Down And Listen

I’ve been quietly hoping my life would go somewhere big and useful. The motives behind many of my choices have been selfish and filled with insecurity based on my lack of trust in the One who holds me.

You see, when you take someone like me…..an ex-rebel who still rebels against the norm and mainstream of ____________ (fill in the blank) and more times than not doesn’t even come close to appearing, sounding or living like what some would call a stereo-type or ‘good Christian’; I assumed long ago that God would take my life some place big and useful to prove how sanctified, justified, holy and righteous He had made me in His only Son. 

Me? ME? Sanctified? Justified? Holy? Righteous?

The start of my revelation came from an unlikely source. Which isn’t so strange when you consider it’s being revealed to an unlikely source (me). I found a quote on Pinterest this past weekend and it struck my heart with unexpected force.

“Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

Holy Moly! That DOES take courage! I don’t have to seek courage to stand up and speak. That’s what I do naturally. But, sitting down and listening? Well,  now, that’s a whole nutha’ story!

Aside from the idolatry I hold tightly for your friendship and approval, I also need you to know that I know stuff, that I have something to offer, that these last five years of unemployment haven’t been wasted. I’m representing God after all…..wouldn’t want to disappoint Him. Or you. Or…..myself. And I don’t honestly know the order of those whom I didn’t want to let down. But it’s probably not how I wrote it out.

I don’t have a large support group of believers in my real face-to-face life. And I’ve heard all the opposition in regards to that, so please, hold your breath. Errr, your fingers. I do, however, have some on facebook. Here’s the ironic thing….recently it all but seemed to shut down. I tried to talk about stuff I knew, struggled with, needed, desired, and stuff I had to offer. It seemed to be met with an eery quiet. Which I take immediately as my issue, my fault and my problem. I’m not accepted, smart, wanted, or worse…..understood.

Based on my personality and insecurities I can go back and forth between wanting to reach out and help to pulling back like a turtle in my shell. Yes, extroverts with passionate and outgoing personalities have shells. They’re shells of protection. So because I really felt like everyone was kind of shutting me out and even shunning me, I stopped ‘standing up and speaking’.  It’s easier for me to shut down and hide than it is to feel rejected or ignored. So often I’ll hear off my shoulder words that have been said to me in the past: “it is not good for man to be alone”, or “do not give up gathering together”, or “where two or more gather, there I will be”, or “you really should be in church” and I can’t reconcile those words and my life circumstances. Just that paragraph alone doesn’t do justice to explain the strangeness of it all.

All things considered and a revelation on its way, I decided yesterday morning during my reading time to just…….sit. No reading, striving, writing, praying, seeking to know, understand, or proving to God just how good I’d gotten at being His. I. Just. Sat.

Weird.

And He said to me, “It’s about what I do, not what you do.”

The peace that transcends understanding comes crashing over me. I don’t have to try? All those slammed doors and brick walls that have left me with cuts, bruises, temper-tantrums and wondering if I’ve missed something is all due to my own trying? I could actually sit down and listen?

Yes.

*sigh*

I’m not used to sitting down and not talking or pursuing or proving or aching for your frienship and approval. And I’ve held onto the belief for so long that He’s gonna take me somewhere big and useful, I don’t know where this will end up.  But it did bring me to this simple prayer this morning:

I choose Trust. I choose You.

I’m beginning to think that might be the point.

The Red Covers The Gray

I have a friend who has a life story that would bring you to your knees, literally. A mentally ill mother who gave abuse a new definition. How my friend is a functioning member of society should be proof, to some, that God exists and is most assuredly alive. Just a few days ago she was sharing that her mother, who lives in a nursing home, had sent my friend a letter and photo of herself. The self-absorption and manipulation is sickening at best. So we were chatting about her feelings and my perspective.

It’s funny, and not the ha-ha kind, what this life has to offer us in its fallen state. I don’t have an education to fulfill or satisfy the questions that loom from this life, both intellectually and spiritually. And those preachers who say that any answer to any question can be found in the Bible are, I believe, doing a great disservice. It’s just not true. If that were the case, what is the point in having faith in the mystery of God?

Maybe I’m sensitive to the standard Christian cliche’s that seem so abundant and easily spoken. I mean, what does one say to ones friend? What your mother needs is an exorcism? What your mother needs is Jesus? Jesus can heal her, and deliver her and if we could just get her to Him than all would be well? In the midst of our ‘chat’ I made the comment that some Christian’s see the Bible very black and white, but honestly there’s alot of gray in there, as well as in life. What do we do with the gray areas that aren’t so obviously covered in the Bible? Make it up as we go? Nah. That’s been done. So I went on to say that I’m not a doctor and I don’t pretend to fully understand mental illness, but I do know God and some things are just bigger than we are.

Where does that leave us? With an unanswered question and a wavering faith in a God we can’t quite get our heads around. Is He good if He allows this? Real questions. Big questions. Questions that drive people away from Him. No doubt.

Over the weekend I painted two walls in my reading room. I have a love/hate relationship with painting. It was just two walls and only above the chair rail, so it should have been easy, but alas, it was not. My reading room is where I read my Bible, my devotional’s, write in my prayer journal and spend time with Papa. The color I was painting was red, Red Delicous, to be exact. And at one point I thought, “How appropriate! It’s like a constant reminder of the shed blood of Jesus!”

Last night I felt conscious all night. I slept, but my mind was busy. I’m thinking a nap is in my future. It was during this wide awake sleep that a thought came to me, a thought that was an accumulation of my prior weeks experiences and prayers…….

The red covers the gray.

All those unanswered questions, all the things that don’t make sense to us even after searching Scripture, all those gray areas in life…..the shed blood of Jesus covers those. It’s just THAT powerful! I don’t know have to know how, or even know how to explain it, I just have to have faith that all these gray things in our lives that have hurt us, continue to hurt us; that don’t make sense and that, at times, hole up in our soul to come up and rear their ugly head later in our life….His blood covers them.

It’s just another reason I love Him so much. Thank You Jesus for covering it all! Even the gray. Amen.

 

 

 

Fully Received In Unconditional Love

The following is from Henri J. M. Rouwen’s book - The Inner Voice of Love. These are Henri’s very own journal writings, he wrote these words to himself.

I read it yesterday and found it quite potent. Maybe that’s because of my own struggle in this area and my desire to be ’fully received’ and live out of that place in trust. If you’ve been ‘fully received’ and think this is elementary, graciously bare with those of us who have yet to walk this section of the journey.

“Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not yet fully received. Only when you know yourself  as unconditionally loved – that is, fully received – by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally.  It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others.

Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in the hope that they will fully receive you. You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you. You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than trust.  What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support. When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other’s capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the others’ capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love.”

Wow. Just wow. I need to do some praying.

Foundational Truth

I hope I never lose the astonishment of Scripture. For one who struggled so many years and still does, at times, with the Bible, I’m giddy when God opens my eyes to some foundational truth I’d not seen up to that point. I mean, sure, you can tell me something, but until I’ve had that One-on-one time with Him and He makes me privy to His truth, it usually doesn’t stick.

I’ve spent most of my life looking for the definition of who I am. Isn’t that a human condition? Don’t we all yearn to know who ‘we’ are? Well, if it’s not a human condition in general, it’s mine. I think and feel deeply, most don’t understand that aspect of me, I can’t change it. It’s how I operate. Living and moving along the shallow waters has never been my cup o’ tea. When I’m sorrounded by shallow people I usually lose interest fairly quickly. I prefer the depths, sometimes it’s too analytical, other times a tad too introspective.

In the numerous areas I looked to define me, they ended up doing the exact  opposite……they saught to destroy me. I guess it’s how the world works. There is no life in the world and the things it offers us.

Since I surrendered to Christ in late 2007 I’ve had many doubts, struggles, questions, fears, etc. I suppose they stem from, not only misconceptions, but a mistrust of God based on those misconceptions. I’ve been reading in Matthew for a few weeks now and yesterday was the first part of chapter 16, I read:

When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?”

“Well,” they replied, “some say John the Baptist, some say Elijah, and others say Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.”

Then he asked them, “Who do you say I am?”

Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

Jesus replied, “You are blessed, Simon, son of John, because my Father in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human being. Now I say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it.” (Matthew 16:13-18)

As I then began reading the commentary on those verses, I came across this:

“Just as Peter revealed the true identity of Christ, so Jesus revealed Peter’s identity and role.”

“Jesus revealed Peter’s identity”

As we reveal, in our confession of Christ’s true identity, He does the same to us today. Jesus reveals our identity. Our identity in Him.

We are justified (declared not guilty of sin) ~ Romans 3:24

No condemnation awaits us ~ Romans 8:1

We are set free from the law of sin and death ~ Romans 8:2

We are sanctified (made holy) in Jesus Christ – 1 Corinthians 1:2

We are pure and holy in Christ ~ 1 Corinthians 1:30

We will be made alive at the resurrection ~ 1 Corinthians 15:22

We are a new person ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

We are made right with God ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21

We are one in Christ with all other believers (hello) ~ Galatians 3:28

We are blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ ~ Ephesians 1:3

We are holy and without fault ~ Ephesians 1:4

We are adopted as God’s child ~ Ephesians 1:5,6

Our sins are taken away and I am forgiven ~ Ephesians 1:7

We will be brought under Christ’s authority ~ Ephesians 1:10,11

We are marked as belonging to God by the Holy Spirit ~ Ephesians 1:13

We have been raised up to sit with Christ in the Heavenly Realms ~ Ephesians 2:6

We are God’s masterpiece ~ Ephesians 2:10

We have been brought near to God ~ Ephesians 2:13

We share in the promise through Christ ~ Ephesians 3:6

We can come with freedom and confidence into God’s presence ~ Ephesians 3:12

We are a member of Christ’s body, the Church ~ Ephesians 5:29,30

We have been given fullness in Christ ~ Colossians 2:10

We are set free from my sinful nature ~ Colossians 2:11

We will have eternal glory ~ 2 Timothy 2:10

And that just about wraps it up!

Not too bad, eh? We do nothing but step into it and by God’s amazing grace we get all this in exchange. Yes, a foundational truth….Christ tells us who we are.

Thank You Jesus!

Thank You!

I Wonder…..

Have you ever read something that sticks with you for months? Years? I read an article that was written by a Hospice Chaplain who deals, most obviously, with death. He said, among other things, that he helps people from all walks of life in their passing; they and their families, of all religions and beliefs. He doesn’t shove a Bible in their face, tell them about their coming judgement if they don’t believe in Jesus, or any such thing. He just does his job in helping the persons death be as peaceful as possible. I recall finding it to be, not only loving, but refreshing and quietly trusting.

I come from very deep evangelical roots and I still struggle with some things. I know, I know….big surprise, eh? In Matthew 28:19 where Jesus says: “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations…..” Is that it? Is that what we’re here for? Making disciples of everyone? No matter what, how, or when?

There is a quote I came across recently that says: “You can’t love someone without respecting their freedom.” I have it written on an index card on a kitchen cupboard. It really is a powerful thought to me. Maybe I’ve gotten some lines crossed in what I learned growing up, the way I perceive things and the idea that controlling someone’s belief is a good way to salvation. Maybe it’s my personality watching another’s personality? Maybe it’s too much t.v. evangelists? Forcing another by manipulation to receive Christ rings true for many. Unfortunately.

I want, like so many others, to hear my Savior say at the end of my life: “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

I have a throng of diverse beliefs in the people that are around me in my ‘face-to-face’ life. And I battle with how this all looks and what it all means. When I hear one of them tell me what they believe and it’s not what I believe, nor does it involve Jesus, I get all weird inside. Thanks, I think, to those deep evangelical roots. Get ‘em to say the prayer, move on to the next person, then all is well with the world. I imagine myself going out and making ‘disciples of all the nations’ because I don’t want God mad at me and I ‘better-oughta’.

And yet there’s the new commandment: “Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.”

Oh how I want to allow the love that saved me to flow through me. To you. To anyone. I don’t rightly care your beliefs, political affliations, church membership, sexual orientation, or translation of the Bible you choose to read, if one at all. My life has been bowled over by this Amazing Grace and I’ll be damned if I turn around and start ‘betterin’ and oughtin’ to’ and forget His love. The ‘just as I have loved you’ love.

It breathes new life in me, I find it refreshing, I find freedom in it, I want you and anyone to see in my life and my words, whether they are from my mouth or my keyboard, that kind of love. His love that respected my freedom. His love that welcomed me Home.

So, I wonder…..if I don’t evangelize and fill out the card on how many people I spoke to about Jesus and got them to pray with me, but I loved them with His love, no matter their religion or beliefs, at the end of my life will it be the same as those who have hoarded people by the hundreds into Heaven’s gates…..”Well done, my good and faithful servant!”?

Just some random waking up from a Saturday afternoon nap thoughts. Thanks for humoring me